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"But Adam," you ask, "aren't public bathrooms scary and unsanitary." Well, for the most part, yes - but here at voteprime we have put together 5 simple steps to help make your public pooing a relaxing, and possibly pleasurable experience. Follow me through the 5 Steps to Dumping in a Public Bathroom and you too will be crapping with confidence in the most unfamiliar of restrooms.
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Step 1: The Wipe Down - Always wipe down the toilet seat no matter how clean it looks. It only takes a few seconds but this is essential to clean and safe public bathroom dumping. Just take a few squares of toilet paper and wipe the toilet seat as clean as you can. You aren't going to wipe the seat perfectly clean but you would be surprised what a quick wipe down will do. Step 2: Protection - Here is where you implement the trick of the trade - the "splashguard." A splashguard is your protection from the harmful droplets of water that splash you from your initial burst (see step 3). To make a splashguard take either the wipe down paper or a few new squares of toilet paper and drop it in the middle of the bowl. If you feel it is necessary, you can form an "X" with 2 strips of paper for extra protection, but keep in mind that a little bit goes a long way. Your initial burst is generally just going to hit the center of the bowl so anything covering beyond that is excess.* When your splashguard is set, lay down 2 to 3 fresh strips of toilet paper on the toilet seat: Two on each side of the seat and an optional strip on the back. If available, there is the alternative of using the toilet seat protection cover thingies, but I find the toilet paper much more reliable and a lot easier. Step 3: The Initial Burst (or just "the burst" when repeated) - There is always the initial burst of the dump. This is essentially the first release of your "waste." For your safety, please do not hold back. Step 4: The Waiting Process - After the initial burst, there is a waiting period until the next release comes. Reading material is recommended here to help pass the time but is completely optional. The dump will continue whether or not you have entertainment. You may repeat steps 3 and 4 as necessary. Step 5: The Clean Up - After every dump, you must of course wipe yourself and then flush. Washing your hands is also highly recommended. |
While there are optional aspects to several of the 5 Steps, none of the steps as a whole should be skipped. To insure complete satisfaction, the process must be completed from The Wipe Down to The Clean Up - no exceptions. But you don't have to take my word for it:
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"I walked into the stall and saw nothing dirty on the toilet seat. My instincts told me it was okay to dump away without first wiping down, yet I wiped down anyway. After wiping the seat I inspected the toilet paper only to discover it was now covered in ass grease. Without the 5 Steps I would have sat down in someone else's ass grease!" ~ Steve L. "I never followed the 5 Steps to Dumping in a Public Bathroom. At the age of 18 I developed an ass cyst. My doctor tells me it was because I never wiped down or used protection when dumping in a public bathroom. Now I follow the 5 Steps as if my life depended on it." ~ Dave Z. "I never followed the 5 Steps because I thought it would be too much of a hassle. Boy was I wrong! It's so quick and easy and I do it every time - even when I have to poop so bad that I can hardly hold it anymore." ~ Parag P. "Before being introduced to the 5 Steps I was sad and alone; I thought I'd never meet the right person. After following the 5 Steps I'm still sad and alone but I can shit with confidence in any bathroom." ~ Smelly Guy in the 'Big Dogg' T-shirt |
* - It is always smart to conserve Toilet Paper in any situation. Though initial inspection may show plenty supplies available, looks can often be deceiving. And of course, always make sure there is toilet paper before you start, this is essential and goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway.