Learning to Eat, Again

I've always been a fast eater, gobbling down as much food as I could as quickly as possible. I think this might actually be a Gerard family trait, or at least that was the joke. "If you didn't eat fast enough at the dinner table, you didn't get any food." HAHAHAHAHA! Very funny, until little Adam was mistaken for an adopted Ethiopian child. My family taught me how to eat fast after that (and yet we are still getting 75 cents a day from some family in LA. My mom tells me not to ask questions).

But this fast eating thing has almost been a point of pride for me. I'd order a footlong sub at Subway and be almost done with it by the time most people were just finishing their 6". This would usually be accompanied by "oohs" and "aahs" from the crowd. Only I'd finish the sub and be so full that I'd have almost no ability to function. If I had a nickle for every time I asked someone to give me a piggy back ride until my food digested, well, I'd probably be able to afford to eat at other restaurants besides Subway.

But these quick eating days are over. I've tried this thing called, "chewing" and it's working wonders. Unlike the old days, I actually make an effort now to fully chew my food before I swallow (man, does this take some concentration). The chewing certainly helps with digestion, but it also slows my meals down. Then, and this part really is a big step forward, I put the food down occassionaly in between bites. I used to go to Chipotle and eat the entire 1.25 pound burrito without it leaving my hands. Now I lift, chew, place on plate and repeat. It's almost like a workout routine, only not even close.

The results have been amazing. The biggest change is that I'm eating less food. Prior to the change, I was stuffing myself with way too much food before my stomach even had a chance to say, "I'M FULL! STOP!" Now, I can feel myself getting full and it feels good to stop eating. I walk away from meals actually being able to walk away. And, from time to time, I even have some extra food that I wrap up and save for later. Keep this one on the down low, but I even think this eating habit change is helping some of my hair on my head grow back in.*

So with positive results to back me up I want to remind you all: EAT SLOWLY AND CHEW YOUR FOOD!


*-that's a lie.

Foolishly Betting Infinite Subway

I am very risk averse. Extremely risk averse. And yet for some reason I recently made a foolish Subway Bet that if I lose, I will owe someone infinite Subway. And this bet goes on for my entire life.

It all started with an innocent email discussion. I mentioned that someone came out of something "unscathed." I think I used this word several times in the email and then wondered if one would ever use the root word on it's own. But for some reason when pondering this I still used the "-ed" suffix, just without the "un-" prefix. That seemed pretty inconceivable ("You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."). But I never thought about other uses without the "un-". For example, using the word with an "-ing" ending without "un-". People use that all the time. ALL THE TIME! I could have used that word about 50 times during these presidential and VP debates.

I could have used it but I didn't because I would have lost infinite Subway. In my haste to declare a word unusable, to proclaim a piece of the English language as dead, I told my friend KT that I would owe her infinite Subway if I ever used "unscathed" without the "un-" prefix. It wasn't until after the bet was presented and accepted that we both realized just how foolish I was. So foolish.

And now I will have to wander through the rest of my living days exclusively using words such "lambasted," "blistering" and "scorching." And as much as I love the phrases, "give him the business" and "rip her a new one" I'm going to miss this one word. Goodbye, "unscathed" sans "un-". I feel like we were just getting to know each other. But we will meet again someday. I promise.

Life Changing Restaurant and A Dream Realized

Have you ever been to Chipotle (che·POTE·lay)? This restaurant changed my life (I just told you this restaurant changed my life and what are you doing? You're still sitting there reading this post. I'm saying that a friggin' restaurant was so good that my life was altered forever after eating their food and you didn't get up off your ass and run to that restaurant? Some people I'll just never understand). Chipotle is basically a Mexican Subway. Their menu is limited to just burritos, burrito fajitahs, burrito bowls and tacos. You make your selection, the burrito artists begin to prepare your food in front of you with rice and beans or peppers and onions (depending on your order) and then pass it down the food line. You follow your food, peering over the sneeze guard to select your ingredients (chicken, beef, pork, different sauces, lettuce, sour cream, cheese, guacamole). And while the burrito only costs about $5.50, it tastes like it should cost at least $7!

I will never forget my first Chipotle experience. Actually, I have forgotten it, but I definitely will never forget my friend Jack telling me that I had to go to Chipotle. He took me once and I was hooked. Sometimes it seems like people are introduced in to your life for a reason. Jack and I haven't talked for years and our friendship started its decline after he got me hooked on Chipotle. I am beginning to think that maybe he was in my life only to introduce me to Chipotle - best friends throughout all of high school all just so I could learn about the magical Chipotle burrito.

My work recently sent me to Denver. Did you know that Chipotle was started in the city of Denver? Luckily I did. My boss, also a big Chipotle fan, did some research from his hotel room, and off we went, in search of the first ever Chipotle.

Since we were hungry, we quickly gave up and stopped at the first Chipotle we saw. But while in line I realized we were in a Chipotle in the originating city of this national chain - it maybe wasn't the first Chipotle, but it certainly had to be one of the first. So I asked the cashier. Turns out we were dining at the second ever Chipotle! We had reached the penultimate of coolness. And I think my happiness shows. My tacos tasted a little crispier, the pork a little juicier. I just couldn't believe I was at the second ever Chipotle.

But my boss and I were not satisfied. We had to be at the top of cool. We had to see the first ever Chipotle. So off we went with a few tid bits of information on the restaurant's general location and a fire in our hearts that could only be extinguished with a successful journey.

To make this voyage easier for others, the first ever Chipotle is located at 1644 East Evans, Denver, Colorado. Thankfully, even without this information, we found what we were looking for. It was wonderous.

The moment I saw that first ever Chipotle - as my eyes swelled up with tears, as my little heart skipped a beat - I realized my new dream in life. I have to visit the first ever locations of all my favorite chain restaurants. I had to see them with my own eyes and relive this feeling over and over again.

But I need to be organized. My friend Ryan suggested a laminated card that I carry around in my wallet, with names and addresses of all the restaurants I want to see. And that may come, but I'm not quite ready for that yet. So, in the mean time, I'll have Optimus Prime keep track of all the first restaurants I plan on visiting.

One by one, I hope to visit these locations, document my progress and cross them off my list.

Next up: Starbucks in Seattle

In my latest Entertainment Weekly (starting the post off like that reminds me of the time my female friend and I had dinner at The Caucus Room and the waiter started off our dinner by saying, "I get In Style magazine - not that I'm gay or anything." He then proceeded to flirt with my friend.) I couldn't help but notice this picture:

That's right, Cesar dog food - sophisticated food for sophisticated dogs - whose website features drawings like this and this - wants to send me to the Sundance Film Festival. And they decided Entertainment Weekly was a great place to tell me this. I would love to see the research that made the three-way connection between EW, Sundance and Cesar dog food. Or maybe I could take a look at the survey results showing EW has a high percentage of readers with small dogs they considered to be "sophisticated."

In my head I picture this is the real story - I almost hope it's true: Two major magazine publishers are in their towels lounging in the sauna complaining about how boring their lives are. One turns to the other and says, "This should be fun. I've got this picture of my wife holding our dog. I'll superimpose her to be standing outside a burning building or the Sundance Film Festival or some shit like that. If you can get this in to your magazine I'll give you 500,000 Subway."

And yet here I am on the Cesar website entering the contest and wondering if Sadie is sophisticated enough for Cesar. Bastards!

Subway Betting

The action of Subway Betting was started in Pittsburgh shortly after I left Carnegie Mellon University. Maybe someone can remember its exact origin - the first Subway bet even - but I think this is unimportant. What we really need to do is teach the world about Subway Betting and help them make bets on their own.

It's quite simple really -- in a normal wager one bets money on whether or not an action will occur:
Bettor: I'll bet you $5 that I can get that girl's number
Bettee: The one over at the bar on the end their in the little red dress?
Bettor: Yeah
Bettee: Sure, I'll take that bet. There is no way you'll get her number. She's way out of your league. You've got no chance. I mean, look at you - you're balding at the young age of 24, you've got a big nose, you're not that smooth really, and besides, you look way too Jewish for her.
Bettor: Oh, I see how it is. You're such a dick. Do you really think all of this because I'll tell you something else - you're not so special either! I mean, look at those ears? Could they stick out any farther? And have you looked at your clothes lately?
Bettee: What's wrong with my clothes? I shop at B-Rep. This shirt cost me $75!
Bettor: Oh, get off your goddamn high horse already. You bought that shirt at Banana Republic 5 years ago and you wear it everyday

Well, you get the idea. But with a Subway Bet, rather than bet actual money you bet foot long Subway sandwiches. Let's take a look at the above example, only this time we'll recreate it with Subway Betting.
Bettor: You owe me 3 Subway if I can get that girl's number.
Bettee: 3? Alright, you're on - but there is no doubling the meat!

So if the bettor succeeds in getting this girl's number (and trust me, he won't), the the bettee owes 3 footlong Subway sandwiches to the bettor.

It is important to note a few things about Subway Betting:

• The bet can really be on anything - the above examples were based on one person performing an action. That type of bet is not uncommon (other actual examples: pouring water on a former student body president's chest; pouring beer on a DJ's table; getting your VW Golf up to 55 on 5th Avenue; asking a Subway Sandwich Artist whether the meat would be doubled linearly or exponentially if you double the meat on a sandwich and then double it again) but we also often bet on events out of our control: sporting events, random occurences. Really, just about anything.
• Unless specified, bets do not go "both ways." This means that in the above example, if the bettor does not get the girl's number, no Subway is exchanged. Usually, if there is to be a 2 way bet, it will be for two distinct outcomes of one event. For example, "You owe me 5 Subway if Tiger Woods wins the Masters." "Okay, but you owe me 5 if Vijay Singh wins."
• Unless specified, there is no doubling the meat when collecting your sandwich(es)
• Though we will more often bet by saying, "You owe me X Subway if..." you can also bet by saying, "I will give you X Subway if..."

Subway has become quite a commodity among my group of friends and I'm told that in Pittsburgh winnings are collected weekly. One person has even bet infinite Subway and lost. It has been said that a select group of people will do almost anything to win Subway. And I, young voters, can attest to this. Please, gather 'round as I tell you all the story of one Parag Patel (a.k.a. "Sexy Little Otter," a.k.a. SLO) and his quest to win Subway.

Several months ago SLO and I went to The 9:30 Club to see The Super Furry Animals. Neither of us had ever seen them in concert, but SLO was a fan and I had enjoyed the few listens I had given the band while riding in SLO's BMW 325xi. We got to the show pretty early and were standing around talking and making random Subway bets when SLO says to me, "You owe me Subway if we see anyone on stage in a yeti costume." He combines this with a laugh as if it is the most random thing he has ever heard, despite saying it himself. So I think about it and even though it feels like the odds of a yeti running on to the stage are pretty slim, there is always a chance. But what are the odds of 5 yetis running on to the stage? So I respond with an offer of 5 yetis. He tries to talk me down to 3 but I stick to my guns and eventually he accepts the 5 yeti bet.

The band comes on, does their thing, plays a grand finale and runs off the stage. There are 5 band members but only 4 run off the stage. The 5th guy was kind of a DJ but instead of record tables he had a computer and keyboards. He sits behind his computer for awhile creating all kinds of weird noises and we all wait patiently, thinking there was nothing more after he left.

And then it happened - before my very eyes I see several men run on to the stage in yeti costumes, grab their instruments and start playing. SLO and I quickly count the yetis to find only 4 of them. I celebrate, SLO cries and the band plays on.

It turns out SLO knew the whole time that this was a possibility. In a few previous concerts the band had played entire shows in yeti costumes. SLO knew this information but kept it to himself when making the Subway bet. As deceptive as this is, SLO claims he was just "playing the odds." He'll do just about anything for Subway, I say.

But please, don't let SLO's dirty tricks turn you off from doing your own Subway Betting. In fact, you better get in on the Subway Betting Market as soon as possible before Subway replaces "money" as actual currency. Trust me, this is a definite possibility.