The Art of Sandwich

My Lunch Sandwich.

If you join me at lunch, I will make you one too.

I Died For Your Enjoyment of a DQ Blizzard

Sent to me today, Christmas day:



Does Dairy Queen think I'm Jesus?

An Even Mega-ier Lie

Whistleblowers stand up for what they know is right, even if speaking the truth could lead to threats and retaliation, and maybe even their own death. There is a long history of whistleblowers in the United States. Serpico taking on police corruption. Jeffrey Wigand taking on Big Tobacco. Sherron Watkins taking on the Smartest Guys in the Room. Jose Canseco taking on steroids in professional baseball. Linda Tripp taking on the White House intern industry. All brave. All honorable. Some more attractive than others. And some even portrayed by really cool actors in movies.

And now a new individual is sounding his whistle to reveal lies and corruption surrounding one of our nation's most sacred entities. "Soggy" is taking on M&M and the Mars family.

I've already sounded off on the mega lie that is the Mega M&M. But it seems the issues I touched don't even break the hard candy shell of lies and deceit surrounding the Mega M&M. And our friend Soggy can no longer hold the Mars secrets inside. Fearing for his life and not wanting the truth to die with him, Soggy reached out to me. His story is frightening, but it must be told. What follows are his words as left in the comments section on this website:

I am finally coming forward with this information from an undisclosed location because I am in hiding. It seems that Mars, the maker of M&Ms, has a team of assassins out to kill me to keep me from going public with the information I have about the conspiracy to release the a sub-standard "MEGA M&Ms" candy product & that Mars executives knowingly designed an M&M that's size fell far short of the "MEGA" standard.

I had a good friend who worked at the M&M factory. There was quite a buzz among the employees on the factory floor prior to the first run of the so-called "MEGA M&M." So much so that my friend confided in me his pending excitement of being appointed Quality Control Lead on the assembly line for the new "MEGA M&M's" candy product. This was a big step up the ladder for my friend & he wanted to be very diligent at making sure that this product line would be up to snuff when it came to the "MEGA" label. He continued to update me on the progress of the M&M factory's upgrade in machinery to accommodate the much larger M&M.

When the assembly line rolled out the first batch my friend rejected every single so-called "MEGA M&M" for insufficient size. He told me that he brought this problem to management & they said they were not going to ship any of the "MEGA M&Ms" from the first batch because the new machinery needed some final adjustments before the "MEGA" size could be achieved. He told me that he suspected something was up. He told me that the next few batches came out the same: bigger, but not big enough. He also learned that the sub-standard "MEGA M&M" product batch runs were being shipped to stores anyway.

One day he came over to my apartment & told me that he found out that the machines were working as designed. He also found out that Mars executives always planned to release an only slightly larger M&M under the "MEGA M&M" name to increase profits (and their salaries as well. Hhhhhhmmmmm?). He told me his intention of threating management with blowing the whistle on this sham if they didn't either remove the "MEGA" label from store shelves from the first batch runs & to increase the size of the M&M produced to meet MEGA standards.

That was the last time I saw him because the very next day he went missing... A few days later I survived an assassination attempt from those hired by Mars executives. My friend must have been broken by torture & told them that he told me the truth about the so-called "MEGA M&Ms." They came for me so this information could never reach the public ...I must continue to evade these assassins so now up to you to let others know the real story.

Soggy, wherever you may be, whether it be on this earth or now up in heaven, your story is being told. People will hear the truth about what Mars is doing and the company will not get away with this. And when their chocolaty sweet empire has come melting down, we will all remember that it was you, Soggy, that first blew the whistle and made it all possible. And then we'll all take a nap after coming down from our sugar highs.

Mrs. Peacock or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Use the Bathroom

You're out with some friends at a restaurant. You walk to the bathroom and are faced with two doors, one for the men's room and the other for the women's. But instead of being clearly labeled as such, you see the following pictures on the doors:

Door #1:


Door #2:


Which do you go in?

"Hmm? Feathers are sort of feminine, that must be the female peacock. Wait wait wait, doesn't the male want to attract the female with the feathers? Hold up, are these even peacocks? Oh man, I wish I'd done that zoology minor in college 'cause I really gotta pee right now."

No! This is not how going to the bathroom should work. I should not have to be familiar with the mating rituals of the peacock to pick the right restroom. There should be no entrance exam! (though providing reading material via a handy peacock quiz inside the bathroom would be perfectly acceptable) These photos (actual signs on the bathroom doors at The Helmand in Baltimore) had me so confused that I ended up going in the wrong door. Luckily it was an individual bathroom, but maybe next time I won't be so lucky.

Restaurant owners of the world, listen to me: KEEP THE BATHROOM LABELS SIMPLE! There is nothing wrong with using an M or a W to label the door. A stick figure of sorts has never done anyone harm. And if you want to get creative, please be sure to add a clearly identifying label as well. Because what might seem obvious to you, might not be so clear to everyone else.

A Moment With Krispy Kreme

Fellow Voters, I need a moment alone with Krispy Kreme, if you wouldn't mind. Feel free to avert your eyes, step out of the room, whatever you need to do. Krispy Kreme and I need to have a conversation just the two of us.

Krispy Kreme, I love you. You know I do. Which is why I've decided to be honest with you. I cheated yesterday. Right in your own back yard. And I loved every second of it.

Baby, don't get that look on your face. We've talked about this. A few times. And yes, it's that new store in town you were all worried about, The Fractured Prune. When you asked, I said I didn't care about her donuts (she calls them "donuts" by the way, not "doughnuts." I know how you hate that). I said I prefer your hot glaze over her hand-dipped. "All those toppings and crazy 'specialties' are just for show. No one can match your basic hot glazed, baby!"

But from the moment I walked in to her store, I knew this was going to be special. All the glazes ready for dipping. All the toppings in a row. And when they yelled, "first timer!" and handed me an O.C. Sand (honey glaze, cinnamon sugar), I felt so special. Like they wanted me there.

I ordered the Reese Cup (peanut butter glaze, mini chocolate chips) and my friend ordered the Peppermint Patty® (mint glaze, mini chocolate chips). And let me tell you, they were wondrous. The Fractured Prune, she makes the donuts fresh and tops them after you order. So the donut is still hot and the frosting is still oozing when it arrives at your table. But really, it's the donut that is so special. It is baked (in the store) to be crispy on the outside but soft, warm and a bit cake-like inside. And so moist.

Krispy Kreme, I think we can work this out. We've been together far too long to just give up on us now. But you've gotta be real with me. No more fake doughnuts and pretend hot glazing. And until you can promise me that, I think it's best that we see other people, at least when we're in Dupont Circle.

Openin' Pickles

We prepared the pickles. And they sat. But as I waited to open the jars I also planned. I knew that these pickles would taste glorious and I wanted to properly mark the occasion with an equally glorious "Pickle Opening Ceremony."

And just like the Olympic flame lighting tradition, our Opening Ceremony featured very special pickle torch lighters, The Beatles!

From left to right: Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr and George Harrison. Not pictured: The Yellow Submarine they all arrived in.

And finally, we opened a jar.


And tasted them.


And they were everything I had hoped for. Crisp and salty with a spicy kick. I have to say that they are quite possibly the greatest pickles I have ever eaten.

But they're all mine! (well, half are mine) Yet for some reason the Beatles felt entitled to some pickles of their own. Maybe it was because two of them had risen from the dead to make the ceremony and the other two had traveled to DC from England. Whatever! The lads didn't have to tortuously wait 6 weeks for these damn things to pickle. I was having none of it and refused to share with any of the Beatles.

However, I think I got a little distracted during the bliss of tasting my second pickle because both George and Ringo slipped through my guard.




But really, I can't blame them. These pickles are absolutely impossible to resist.

Could you be the one to taste them next? Only if you're lucky.

Makin' Pickles

Claussen.
Vlasic.
The little pickle on the Heinz ketchup bottle.
These are all famous pickles. But do they taste good? Eh.

Until a few months ago, I'd been walking through my life one pickle at a time, occasionally tasting a good one but always knowing there had to be something better out there. "Too salty" "Too sweet" "Too limp" "Too tall" "Doesn't laugh at my jokes"

And then I tasted the Sweeney.

The crispness. The saltiness. A strong kick of spiciness. From the first bite, I knew that the zenith of pickle production had been reached. And these suckers were homemade! But one jar was all I got. I had to have more.

And finally, this last Wednesday night, Ms. Sweeney helped make my wish come true. We made a batch of pickles, starting with little cucumbers


mixing in a variety of ingredients


and jarring them


and now they sit for six weeks alone in a cabinet.

They all entered the cabinet, the runt of the cucumber litter. But on December 27, these vegetables will all emerge strong and confident, knowing they have been salted & spiced to the right proportions like a real pickle should be. They will be crisp. They will taste excellent. They will laugh at all my jokes. And then, they shall be eaten. December 27, you cannot come soon enough.

The Mega Lie

Dear Mars, Incorporated:

You have made a grown man cry. You have brought a 26 year old man to tears simply by the sheer magnitude of the disappointment you have caused me.

What is it, you ask, that has caused such sadness in my heart? Oh, I think you already know. But just in case, let me be very direct: It's your new Mega M&Ms. Have you seen them? I know it seems silly to ask if you have actually seen a product that you produce but I ask again anyway: Have you seen your new Mega M&Ms? I don't think you have, because you certainly would have noticed that these aren't of a "mega" size. In fact, they are really only slightly larger than a regular M&M.

Mars people, I know what you're thinking right now. "You're exaggerating, Adam. It's 55% larger than a regular M&M. 55%! That's huge! You wouldn't want 'em any bigger!"

Oh, but I would.


In order, from left to right: a regular M&M, a "Mega" M&M, a peanut butter M&M and a peanut M&M. The Mega M&M is the second smallest M&M that you make!

It hurts to even think about how low I felt when I first saw that these were anything but "mega." But please, don't even worry about my sadness. No Mars, think of the children. Think of the boys and girls all over the world, opening Mega M&M packages, hoping for a candy that melts in neither their mouth nor their hand because it's just too dang big for either, only to have their little hearts broken by a surprisingly tiny piece of candy-coated chocolate. Don't let this disappointment continue. You have to do the right thing; make the Mega M&M truly "mega." For the children, Mars! For the children!

Update: It seems that Mars doesn't want you to know the truth!

The Spork

Just in case you were worried, the spork lives on, currently taking up residence at your local Taco Bell.

The spork should not be confused with the knork, which is very quietly "revolutionizing over 1,000 years of dining."

Learning to Eat, Again

I've always been a fast eater, gobbling down as much food as I could as quickly as possible. I think this might actually be a Gerard family trait, or at least that was the joke. "If you didn't eat fast enough at the dinner table, you didn't get any food." HAHAHAHAHA! Very funny, until little Adam was mistaken for an adopted Ethiopian child. My family taught me how to eat fast after that (and yet we are still getting 75 cents a day from some family in LA. My mom tells me not to ask questions).

But this fast eating thing has almost been a point of pride for me. I'd order a footlong sub at Subway and be almost done with it by the time most people were just finishing their 6". This would usually be accompanied by "oohs" and "aahs" from the crowd. Only I'd finish the sub and be so full that I'd have almost no ability to function. If I had a nickle for every time I asked someone to give me a piggy back ride until my food digested, well, I'd probably be able to afford to eat at other restaurants besides Subway.

But these quick eating days are over. I've tried this thing called, "chewing" and it's working wonders. Unlike the old days, I actually make an effort now to fully chew my food before I swallow (man, does this take some concentration). The chewing certainly helps with digestion, but it also slows my meals down. Then, and this part really is a big step forward, I put the food down occassionaly in between bites. I used to go to Chipotle and eat the entire 1.25 pound burrito without it leaving my hands. Now I lift, chew, place on plate and repeat. It's almost like a workout routine, only not even close.

The results have been amazing. The biggest change is that I'm eating less food. Prior to the change, I was stuffing myself with way too much food before my stomach even had a chance to say, "I'M FULL! STOP!" Now, I can feel myself getting full and it feels good to stop eating. I walk away from meals actually being able to walk away. And, from time to time, I even have some extra food that I wrap up and save for later. Keep this one on the down low, but I even think this eating habit change is helping some of my hair on my head grow back in.*

So with positive results to back me up I want to remind you all: EAT SLOWLY AND CHEW YOUR FOOD!


*-that's a lie.

Plato's Palate: Home of the Ouzo Burger

Ouzo (oo-zoh) Burger: "Deliciously marinated with herbs, spices & yes, Ouzo Liquer. 6 oz. pure beef with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, mayo, crushed cherry peppers and feta cheese spread."

The Ouzo Burger is made at Plato's Palate in Bethesda, Maryland and it is one of the best tasting burgers I have ever eaten. The burger is made from your typical herb and spice filled Greek beef and formed into a little burger patty. But before forming the patties the chef adds a surprise ingredient: ouzo - the licorice tasting Greek liqueur. I can't stand that stuff when I have tried it at restaurants, and yet somehow it works perfectly in this burger. But hold on, we're not done yet. On top of the burger, besides mayonnaise and your choices of tomato, onions and a leaf of lettuce, is a feta spread with crushed cherry pepper. This spread is what put me over the edge. The bits of cherry pepper add a kick and I firmly believe feta makes just about anything taste better (Feta cheese is the Greek equivalent to bacon - it can be eaten with any meal and actually increases the enjoyment of just about any food). Put this all inside a nicely sized, soft bun and you got yourself what should be known as "the world famous" ouzo burger.

And I'm telling you right now that you have to try it:
Plato's Palate
7639 Old Georgetown Road
Bethesda, Maryland
(301) 907-2969

It's a small, hole in the wall joint but it is the perfect setting to enjoy the sandwich. When you go, hopefully Michael, the creator of this masterpiece, will be there and he can tell you the story of how the ouzo burger was created and why McDonald's just isn't ready for the McOuzo burger.

And if for some reason you're not interested in a burger (Why?! Did you not read what I said? It's one of the best tasting burgers I've ever had! Do not pass this up), you can have other various Greek food and a few veggie options as well (though I really think this burger is good enough for even the veggies to give it a try. Are your convictions really that important to you that you would pass up such a fine meal?).

In one sitting, this has become a new restaurant for me to share with as many people as possible. All my local friends will soon know the joy of the ouzo burger and I promise all you out-of-towners that if you come and visit, at least one meal will be spent at Plato's Palate enjoying the soon to be world famous ouzo burger.

Chinese Food and a Movie: The Jewish Christmas

Christmas time means one thing for Jews across the United States: Chinese food and a movie. This is our way of recognizing the birth of that guy - it's fun, it's tasty and although we might complain about the ever-rising price of movie tickets these days (oy), it's cheaper than all those damn gifts everyone is buying each other. So that's what we do. It's a tradition. Our tradition.

But there's a problem. You see, this is a Jewish tradition. We are an open and accepting people, don't get me wrong. But over the last few years I have seen a lot of non-Jews at both the movies and the Chinese food restaurants on Christmas. At first it was just the Indians and Asians and other various non-Christians. We are an accepting people, as I said above. So occassionally I'll catch a, "get a load of this guy" glance from a fellow Jew as an Indian family walks by to their dinner table, but that's about the extent of it. No one really cares, in fact, I think all Jews are glad that people are discovering that there are other things to do on December 25 besides participate in Christmas.

But you see, the problem is that now the Christians are catching on. After weeks of celebrating their "12 days" and bombarding us with Christmas trees and Christmas carols and Christmas decorations and Christmas cookies (actually, keep the Christmas cookies coming. I've got some Chanukah gelt I could trade you...) these Christians want more. Apparently opening mounds of presents that Santa "brought" only takes a few hours. That leaves most of the day left to, well, eat Chinese food and watch a movie. And as a result, the theatres are packed and the restaurant wait times are getting longer.

And us Jews are getting pissed. We came up with our own thing just so we could stay out of your way. The plan was working fine for decades. Why the sudden change? Well, change it back. You stick to your presents and we'll stick to our Chinese food and a movie. Everyone will be happy. Please? Did I mention I have plenty of Chanukah gelt to offer you?

A Boy Becomes a Man

Yesterday, I became a man. I carved the family Thanksgiving turkey for the first time.

I was lounging downstairs on the couch in front of the TV watching football, like a man should (or was it the "Everybody Loves Raymond" marathon that I was watching?) when I heard my mom shout, "Adam, we need a man up here to carve the turkey. Us ladies are helpless." (or maybe she said, "Adam, do you want to come up and help?") So I reluctantly turned off the game (or maybe "Raymond") and went up stairs and confidentally went at the turkey ("Do I take these off first?" "Is that right?" "Should I cut through this bone?")

And in the end, we had some fantastic shavings of turkey and a well groomed turkey carcas. It really was a beautiful sight. Howver, I still have some learning to do. My grandfather really is a master, leaving almost nothing but the bone behind when he's done. Maybe next year he can guide me through the process.

Regardless, yesterday when the day started I was a boy but by the end of the day, I had become a man.

Learning to Love Lactose

I've been intolerant towards lactose for as long as I can remember. Really, it's something I learned from my parents. They grew up in a different time and being intolerant towards lactose was all they knew. But that is how they raised me: in lactose free cities, drinking lactose free milk, learning English and math in lactosely segregated classrooms. I should have been wiser, I should have known better, but I didn't. The times, however, could be a changin'!

Digestive Advantage™ LI was recently introduced into my life. One stinkin' caplet a day and supposedly I will now start loving lactose and all the dirty, rotten, no good things it does (I've still got some tolerance learning to do, as you can see). But this means I can once again enjoy big bowls of ice cream, blocks of cheese, bowls of cereal full of milk, bagels smothered in cream cheese and, the thing I've missed the most, tall glasses of chocolate milk, all with no worries of uncomfortable (and embarrassing) gas. Well, at least that's the hope. I'm on day 3 of the pills and I have yet to really put this to the test. I'm afraid. I've been so intolerant all my life. What if I open up my arms to lactose and it shuns me? I'm not sure if I can handle that.

UPDATE: I just finished a Nesquik. Wish me luck.

UPDATE 2: This stuff is fantastic. I had Mexican food several nights in a row with cheese galore and had NO gas. Digestive Advantage has possibly changed my life. I feel terrible for all the bad things I've said about lactose during my life. I'm a changed man.

Foolishly Betting Infinite Subway

I am very risk averse. Extremely risk averse. And yet for some reason I recently made a foolish Subway Bet that if I lose, I will owe someone infinite Subway. And this bet goes on for my entire life.

It all started with an innocent email discussion. I mentioned that someone came out of something "unscathed." I think I used this word several times in the email and then wondered if one would ever use the root word on it's own. But for some reason when pondering this I still used the "-ed" suffix, just without the "un-" prefix. That seemed pretty inconceivable ("You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."). But I never thought about other uses without the "un-". For example, using the word with an "-ing" ending without "un-". People use that all the time. ALL THE TIME! I could have used that word about 50 times during these presidential and VP debates.

I could have used it but I didn't because I would have lost infinite Subway. In my haste to declare a word unusable, to proclaim a piece of the English language as dead, I told my friend KT that I would owe her infinite Subway if I ever used "unscathed" without the "un-" prefix. It wasn't until after the bet was presented and accepted that we both realized just how foolish I was. So foolish.

And now I will have to wander through the rest of my living days exclusively using words such "lambasted," "blistering" and "scorching." And as much as I love the phrases, "give him the business" and "rip her a new one" I'm going to miss this one word. Goodbye, "unscathed" sans "un-". I feel like we were just getting to know each other. But we will meet again someday. I promise.

Trying to Keep an Open Mind

I've been trying to keep an open mind about the new Krispy Kreme that just opened up in Dupont. A couple people have told me that the doughnuts, just after being hot glazed, aren't that bad. While still not all that excited I do feel I have to try the doughnuts before I totally blast them forever (however, I still have major objections to this store even existing or being referred to as a normal Krispy Kreme. What's wrong with calling stores like this, or the displays in the grocery store, "Krispy Kreme Express" or something to denote a difference from your classic store? I feel that these stores and grocery store displays are hurting the Krispy Kreme image in the long run).

So last night, while in Dupont, I hoped to end the evening on a doughnut note. The "hot doughnuts now" red light wasn't on, which made me even less excited, but I was still going to give it a whirl because someone else was buying. So I got up to the counter to order my doughnut:
Me: Can I get a hot glazed doughnut?
KK Guy: umh...
Me:: Oh, sorry, (thinking he was flustered by the "hot" specification) just a regular glazed is fine.
KK Guy: We don't even have any regular glazed left. We're all out.
Me: ::sound of me dying inside::

How can a real Krispy Kreme store run out of doughnuts? Couldn't you just bake some more? Oh, that's right, they don't bake them on the premises so running out is pretty easy.

This store is a travisty, a sham and a mockery. ::wait for it:: It's a travishamockery.

The Krispy Kreme That Isn't

I think we can all agree that the greatest experience in the world is eating a hot Krispy Kreme doughnut coming right off the assembly line. That's right, it is the greatest thing in the world (#2 and #3 on that list, respectively, are a eating a Chipotle burrito and blowing your nose using Puffs Plus tissues with Lotion. #4 is sex).

THE EXPERIENCE: You see the "hot doughnuts now" red light on. So you rush in and stand on the other side of the glass, watching the doughnuts ride down the conveyor belt and underneath the waterfall of icing. And then a friendly Krispy Kreme employee snatches a doughnut up and hands it to you, so hot, so fresh. You eat it and the world stops. The doughnut melts in your mouth - MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH - and you realize you don't want the world to start back up again. All you want is for that friendly employee to stand over your open mouth and continually drop hot, fresh doughnuts inside it. And that is why visiting a Krispy Kreme when the doughnuts are coming off the line is more than just a doughnut run, it is an experience.

The beauty of this experience is why I feel so frustrated when I hear people talking bad about Krispy Kreme. 90% of the time the naysayers are people who have never experienced a hot Krispy Kreme doughnut; never felt the warmth of the doughnut against their lips and felt the dough and icing ooze down your throat. Instead, they've seen the displays at their local supermarket or gas station and thought that this was a true Krispy Kreme doughnut. These people are under the impression that the sketchy looking, stale doughnut with the chipped icing is Krispy Kreme.

I tell you all of this to explain why I have issues with the new Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle in Washington, DC. This new store opened on Tuesday morning to a throng of eager customers desperate for a fresh doughnut. Only you can't get fresh doughnuts off the assembly line at Dupont Circle because even at the new store they don't bake their own doughnuts. No, Krispy Kreme is trying this new idea of baking the doughnuts elsewhere (Alexandria, VA in this case), trucking them to the store and then hot-glazing them. That just seems wrong to me, almost like a glorified Krispy Kreme display at the grocery store. And even if the taste isn't so bad (though I can't imagine it's even close to the real thing) you're not getting the full experience of a real store. Yet everything looks like a real store: you've got the neon red sign, displays of doughnuts behind the glass counter, Krispy Kreme paper hats, coffee and more. But there is no assembly line of doughnuts and I think that is the most important part.

I will wait until I've been inside the store and tried the doughnuts before I pass judgement, but this does not sit well with me. No sir, I don't like it.

Lunna, I Love You

I recently bought a new chair for my bedroom. Her name is Lunna. Isn't she beautiful:

I found her at Ikea, in blue with a foot stool, and they said I could keep her. I of course had to pay some fees to the Ikea Association, but she is now officially mine. And we go everywhere together.

Lunna and I like to watch TV

Wow, that Kramer is so funny. What crazy scheme will he think of next? Lunna loves the coffee table, coffee table book idea. She says it would keep her company while I'm at work. Awh, poor Lunna. Doesn't she look so lonely when I'm not around?


Lunna and I also like to eat dinner together

I'm a messy eater and Lunna loves that. Her favorite food is broccoli. Ick, I hate broccoli!

Before I got Lunna, I used to do most of my thinking while I was on the can. But now, I do all my thinking while sitting on Lunna.

She's such an inspiration!

And after having such a long day, both Lunna and I get really tired. That's when we cuddle up together.

Look at Lunna eyeing those chips while I'm sleeping. She's so silly!

That's why I love my Lunna. She's a spectacular chair...and so much more.

Green Tea on the Flip Side

Many moons ago I visited Love Cafe to enjoy some fine conversation and, from what I had heard, some delectable cupcakes. I was not disappointed.

But in addition to these 2 wonderful things, I learned of a new enjoyment: Cricket Cola. Basically, Cricket Cola is regular soda but the caffeine is replaced with GREEN TEA. I wouldn't normally care all that much about a drink containing green tea, but this is drink is wonderous.

Drinking some Cricket Cola goes a little bit like this: ::take a swig:: Hmmm? It's just regular cola. I mean, tasty but what's the big... ::swallow:: HOLY CRAP, that's green tea!? I'm confused, but intrigued. ::another swig followed by a quick swallow:: I don't know why, but I have to have more. ::quickly drink the rest of the bottle. Begin looking around frantically for more. People see the crazed look in your eyes and run away as fast as they can::

Yes, it's great stuff. But it's hard to find. Besides Love Cafe, the only other place I have seen it is a bagel shop over in Bethesda.

Across the street from my office is a deli that I go to alot, but I had not been in awhile. Today I went down to pick up some food and made my way to the back coolers to grab a drink. And there I saw it - several bottles of Cricket Cola (they have a diet flavor too, for you calorie watchers). I'm not kidding when I tell you that I let out a loud gasp.

And that is why I am sitting here, drinking some Cricket Cola as I share my joy with the world (Hi world. How's it going?). So if you see a bottle of Cricket Cola when you are out somewhere, try it and enjoy (you might have to shake gently before drinking because I've noticed that the green tea tends to settle to the bottom after sitting for a bit). You won't regret it.

Chipotle Lovers of the World, Unite

Chipotle Lovers of the world: the time has come. We now have a place to go, other than Chipotle, to share the glory, the goodness, the heavenliness of a tasty Chipotle item. Burrito chompers, bol eaters, taco lovers, and more - we can all come together and be accepted as equals. Yes, the day has arrived for all of us to speak out, to voice our love, to be proud and to know that we are not alone!

Chipotle Lovers, it is here: ChipotleLovers.com. Go and share your Chipotle love.

First Dunkin' Donuts

The first ever Dunkin' Donuts is located at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts. I was able to figure this out from a little web research and when I finally narrowed it down, I made a phone call:

Dunkin' Donuts Guy: Hello. Dunkin' Donuts
Me: Hi. Umh...this might be a silly question, but is this the first ever Dunkin' Donuts?
Dunkin' Donuts Guy: Yes ::silence::
Me: Great ::silence:: That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.

"Yes." That's all he said! I've never worked at the "first ever" anything, let alone the first ever Dunkin' Donuts. I work at a tiny non-profit, but it's not even the original office.

If I worked at the first ever Dunkin' Donuts I'd be telling everyone. I'd be screaming it everywhere I went. I'd run up to everyone and shake them while screaming, "Do you know where the first ever Dunkin' Donuts is? It's at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts and I WORK THERE!" I'd say all that, while shaking them, and then I'd kiss them on the cheek, and say, "Have a good day, but be sure to stop by the first ever Dunkin' Donuts at 543 Southern Artery in Quincy, Massachusetts. And if you happen to stop by at the right time, I just might serve you because I work there!" And then I'd be off in a flash to share my message with the next person.

But alas, I don't work there. And the people that do don't seem to appreciate the enormosity of the situation. Such a shame.

Life Changing Restaurant and A Dream Realized

Have you ever been to Chipotle (che·POTE·lay)? This restaurant changed my life (I just told you this restaurant changed my life and what are you doing? You're still sitting there reading this post. I'm saying that a friggin' restaurant was so good that my life was altered forever after eating their food and you didn't get up off your ass and run to that restaurant? Some people I'll just never understand). Chipotle is basically a Mexican Subway. Their menu is limited to just burritos, burrito fajitahs, burrito bowls and tacos. You make your selection, the burrito artists begin to prepare your food in front of you with rice and beans or peppers and onions (depending on your order) and then pass it down the food line. You follow your food, peering over the sneeze guard to select your ingredients (chicken, beef, pork, different sauces, lettuce, sour cream, cheese, guacamole). And while the burrito only costs about $5.50, it tastes like it should cost at least $7!

I will never forget my first Chipotle experience. Actually, I have forgotten it, but I definitely will never forget my friend Jack telling me that I had to go to Chipotle. He took me once and I was hooked. Sometimes it seems like people are introduced in to your life for a reason. Jack and I haven't talked for years and our friendship started its decline after he got me hooked on Chipotle. I am beginning to think that maybe he was in my life only to introduce me to Chipotle - best friends throughout all of high school all just so I could learn about the magical Chipotle burrito.

My work recently sent me to Denver. Did you know that Chipotle was started in the city of Denver? Luckily I did. My boss, also a big Chipotle fan, did some research from his hotel room, and off we went, in search of the first ever Chipotle.

Since we were hungry, we quickly gave up and stopped at the first Chipotle we saw. But while in line I realized we were in a Chipotle in the originating city of this national chain - it maybe wasn't the first Chipotle, but it certainly had to be one of the first. So I asked the cashier. Turns out we were dining at the second ever Chipotle! We had reached the penultimate of coolness. And I think my happiness shows. My tacos tasted a little crispier, the pork a little juicier. I just couldn't believe I was at the second ever Chipotle.

But my boss and I were not satisfied. We had to be at the top of cool. We had to see the first ever Chipotle. So off we went with a few tid bits of information on the restaurant's general location and a fire in our hearts that could only be extinguished with a successful journey.

To make this voyage easier for others, the first ever Chipotle is located at 1644 East Evans, Denver, Colorado. Thankfully, even without this information, we found what we were looking for. It was wonderous.

The moment I saw that first ever Chipotle - as my eyes swelled up with tears, as my little heart skipped a beat - I realized my new dream in life. I have to visit the first ever locations of all my favorite chain restaurants. I had to see them with my own eyes and relive this feeling over and over again.

But I need to be organized. My friend Ryan suggested a laminated card that I carry around in my wallet, with names and addresses of all the restaurants I want to see. And that may come, but I'm not quite ready for that yet. So, in the mean time, I'll have Optimus Prime keep track of all the first restaurants I plan on visiting.

One by one, I hope to visit these locations, document my progress and cross them off my list.

Next up: Starbucks in Seattle

The Krispy Kreme That Could Have Been
I was in Rockville, MD this last Tuesday on the road for work when my eyes saw one of the most beautiful sites known to man: a lit "Hot Doughnuts Now" Krispy Kreme sign. My mouth began to water, my heart started beating faster and I began to cry tears of joy. Even though I no longer live near Rockville, a real Krispy Kreme in Montgomery County just seemed like a wonderful thing. I of course stopped for doughnuts.

Hot glazed doughnuts were coming down the assembly line (oh beautiful waterall of glaze, how I love you) and one of the employees was nice enough to give me a free doughnut (I think this is policy at many Krispy Kremes - get them hooked like heroine with a hot free one and watch them come crawling back every day for more, mwaaahhhh!). This calmed me down a bit and allowed me to think straight once again. Instead of buying out the entire store of doughnuts, as was my original plan when I first saw the red light, I bought a half-dozen and a medium coffee. As the cashier was ringing me up I realized that I had been to this very shopping center less then a month ago and had not seen a Krispy Kreme. My thoughts continued and I realized that this story must be quite new, probably opening within the last 2 or 3 weeks. I took my doughnuts and quickly ate another hot glazed.

I then noticed to my right a paper that was entitled "Opening Week Festivities." Looking at the dates I realized that "opening week" had begun on Monday, December 16. It was currently Tuesday, December 17th! I had missed the opening day by JUST ONE DAY! "Awh shucks" I thought, and perused the opening day festivities. When I realized what I had missed I began to cry tears of sadness and rage. What I read looked something like this (only the bullets were actually little doughnuts):

Grand Opening Day - 5:30 a.m. on-going
• HOT LIGHT GOES ON and Doors open at 5:30 a.m.
• First lobby customer wins a year's supply of doughnuts (52 dozen)
• Next 23 lobby customers each win a dozen doughnuts a month for a year
• First 24 lobby customers each receive a Rockville Krispy Kreme jesrey shirt (#1 - #24)
• The next 100 customers each receive a limited edition Rockville Krispy Kreme T-shirt
• Rockville High School Cheerleaders will perform a Krispy Kreme cheer
• Leslie from Fancy Cakes by Leslie will be building a Krispy Kreme cake.

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony - 9 a.m.
• Local dignitaries and Krispy Kreme representatives will cut the doughnut ribbon in front of the new store to designate the official opening of the store.

Thoughts of what might have been began to rush through my head. I imagined myself driving the 30 minutes to Rockville every Monday morning to pick up my weekly dozen, wearing my Krispy Kreme limited edition jersey and chanting the Krispy Kreme cheer. But alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, I was in attendance for Uniform Day - "anyone who comes into the store wearing a uniform will receive a free doughnut or a small cup of coffee." You know what I say to that? "Whoopty friggin' doo." You can keep your free coffee (I'll take the doughnut). I want my shot at 52 dozen doughnuts and I want to hear the Krispy Kreme cheer.

If this isn't reason enough to dedicate my life to building a time machine and going back to December 16, 2003, then I don't know what is.

A new day has dawned once again in the world of fast food:
The Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell is back. Yes, that's right - the meat from a tube, inside a taco that is wrapped inside another taco has returned. What you haven't tried the Cheesy Gordita Crunch? Let me see if I can explain this fast food work of art.

It's the regular taco bell taco meat (top of the line stuff) inside a regular, hard shell taco. Toppings include the regular lettuce and cheese, but go on to include sour cream. "What's so special about that? It's like a a taco supreme but without the tomatoes. Come on, we're leavin' this place." I'm not done junior, sit your ass down!

The next step is really key to the whole process so please pay special attention - it is what makes this taco more special than any taco that has come before it. In fact, let me recap for you: hard shell taco with lettuce, meat, cheese and sour cream as toppings. Got it? Good. From there, the taco artists at Taco Bell wrap flat bread around the hard taco and use melted cheese as the glue to hold the two together.

Pure genius. Really, a raising of the bar in what we have come to expect from fast food restaurants. This taco truly is a taste sensation like no other.

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell has walked back into my life after leaving me so abruptly so many years ago. This event has cast the first ray of warm light and hope on to a world that until today seemed so bleak.