I Died For Your Enjoyment of a DQ Blizzard

Sent to me today, Christmas day:



Does Dairy Queen think I'm Jesus?

Unthankfulness

Yes, it's Thanksgiving time and we're all very thankful for things like friends and family and cute dogs and lollipops and Miller High Life 6-packs being so damn cheap. But I think during this time of year we should also declare the things we are unthankful for.

So here are 10 things I am NOT thankful for on this Thanksgiving:

1. Lee Greenwood
2. Everyone who thinks "God Bless the USA" is a great song. Actually, even if you just think it's an "okay" song, I'm still unthankful for you.
   Yes, I could combine numbers 1 and 2, but I am that unthankful for both that I felt they each deserved their own slot.
3. Really terrible toilet paper. It's called Charmin Ultra, people. Look it up. They ain't kiddin' about the "Ultra" part.
4. People who eat a meal for lunch like a Big Mac, a family size bag of Doritos and an entire box of Oreos (mmm, "double stuf." And no Google, I don't mean "double stuff!) but then wash it all down with a diet soda because they don't want the extra calories. Maybe I'm not unthankful for them, just confused, but they're going on this list anyway. Madame Pepperman, my 11th grade French teacher that was addicted to Diet Mountain Dew, I'm looking directly at you here.
5. The term "Double Stuf." Oreo, why did you leave an "F" off of "Stuf?" I'm not a parent, but if I were, I would hate to have to explain that one to my child. Shame on you, Oreo!
6. People who stand on the left side of the escalator in any DC Metro station. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! People that live in DC complain about this so much that it's almost cliché. But that is because this is common sense. And you're not all tourists! Some of you live in the DC Metro Area and still stand on the left. How do you not hear the rest of us complaining about this? We're annoying as fuck and we're whining about you! If you listen, we'll stop our whining.
7. Not only am I unthankful for the fake Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle, but the Fractured Prune that opened up down the street has now closed. My mom has always told me that the doughnut Gods have a reason for everything, but this one has been really hard for me to deal with.
8. The color teal.
9. People who got angry with Ann Coulter for calling John Edwards a "faggot" but feel it's okay to attack his manhood by calling him a pansy. If these flowers could voice their outrage at the derogatory use of their name, there would be much more public outcry at this practice. Also, little known fact: John Edwards is a 3-time Ultimate Fighting champion. "Pansy" or "faggot?" Maybe. Could he kick your ass in a no holds barred fight to the death? Most definitely.
10. Those push button sinks in my office building bathroom. We are all adults in this building. There is a number combination on the door to keep out all the bathroom roaming ne'er-do-wells. Are you really that concerned about the tenants of the building running wild with the sinks that you have to keep us limited to about 5 seconds per push? It's impossible to wash your hands properly with these things. And not only is it unsanitary, but it's un-American. Yeah, I'm going there; if we are forced to wash our hands in 5 seconds or less, the terrorists have already won!

Are you unthankful for something as well? Tell the world in the comments!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Festival of Shampoos

Once upon a time there was a boy with very little hair, but still enough that it required shampooing every day. Not much shampoo — just a dime-size or less drop of Pert Plus into his hand, then on his scalp, rinse and do not repeat.

The shampoo came from a green Pert Plus bottle (shampoo plus light conditioner, for fine or oily hair) that was always within reach, placed in the metal rack hung from his shower head. The bottle seemed to sit there forever, getting lighter as the weeks went by until one day the dime-size (or less) drop struggled to come out. Squeezing and shaking, the boy finally got enough to wash his hair. He placed the bottle upside down, back into the metal rack but made a note to pick up a new bottle of Pert Plus that evening (and realized then that it had been almost two years since he had last bought a bottle of shampoo).

With new bottle at the ready, the boy continued to use his upturned shampoo bottle. A surprising amount of shampoo collected near the cap thanks to the force of gravity, making it look as if the new bottle would not need to perform any washing duties for a few days, maybe even a week. "New bottle, we'll get to you eventually, don't you worry," the boy said reassuringly to the inanimate object.

And then the miracle of all miracles happened. The old standby, the shampoo bottle whose beginning days were now just a faint memory, refused to give up. Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, which turned into a month and a few more days. Until finally, the bottle gave its all, sputtering out its last drop of bright green hair soap.

And so began Pert Plustival, the 34 day long celebration of a shampoo bottle that should have lasted just a week, but instead miraculously shampood freely for a full 30 + 4 days!

Festivities include

• The Laying of the Drops. Every morning, a drop of Pert Plus is placed along the edge of the bathroom tub for each day of Pert Plustival.
• Upturning of all plastic liquid-containing bottles. Turn upside down all of your plastic bottles in your household that contain liquids, just like the boy did with the Pert Plus bottle during The 34 Days.
• The Cutting of the Hair. All Pert Plustival participants must cut their hair very short so that only a dime-size (or less) drop of shampoo is necessary during the celebrations.

Plus, there are a lot of Pert Plus-related snacks and sporting activities.

Mark your calendars! The next Pert Plustival will begin October 13, 2008. Have your Pert Plus bottles and hair trimmers ready! Before you know it, The Festival of Shampoos will be upon us, once again.

A Boy Becomes a Man

Yesterday, I became a man. I carved the family Thanksgiving turkey for the first time.

I was lounging downstairs on the couch in front of the TV watching football, like a man should (or was it the "Everybody Loves Raymond" marathon that I was watching?) when I heard my mom shout, "Adam, we need a man up here to carve the turkey. Us ladies are helpless." (or maybe she said, "Adam, do you want to come up and help?") So I reluctantly turned off the game (or maybe "Raymond") and went up stairs and confidentally went at the turkey ("Do I take these off first?" "Is that right?" "Should I cut through this bone?")

And in the end, we had some fantastic shavings of turkey and a well groomed turkey carcas. It really was a beautiful sight. Howver, I still have some learning to do. My grandfather really is a master, leaving almost nothing but the bone behind when he's done. Maybe next year he can guide me through the process.

Regardless, yesterday when the day started I was a boy but by the end of the day, I had become a man.

Stephanie Abrams Open Letter

An Open Letter to Stephanie Abrams of The Weather Channel
Dear Stephanie,

On July 4th I was watching The Weather Channel to find out what might be in store for me before my friends and I headed out to enjoy our share of barbecue and fireworks. The normal slew of colorful maps and boring meteorologists came across my screen. But I got the information I wanted so I was satisfied. Over the years I have learned to accept boring and bland from my weather broadcasters. But now, thanks to you, I know I can expect more.

Stephanie, you came on to the screen and weather broadcasting as I knew it changed forever. Your cheery voice and bright smile brought a new light to my TV screen that I had not seen for quite some time. You informed me of the weather in such a manner that let me know you cared. I knew that you wanted me to get my weather news but you also wanted me to enjoy it.

However, I have no idea what you said because I was really distracted by your cleavage. It was unbelievable. And I'm not alone Stephanie - my roommate and his bride-to-be were also extremely distracted. It has been over 24 hours and we are still discussing your cleavage.

So if you could email me a schedule of your future appearances on The Weather Channel, that would be a big help to me and the fan club I intend to start. But I swear, no matter what I say, I really do respect you for your weather knowledge.

Sincerely,
Adam Gerard
President and Founder of the Stephanie Abrams, "Weather Channel Goddess," Fan Club.

UPDATE: The fan club is now defunct. After struggling to keep it going for 2 months I realized it was becoming more of a full time job than my actual full time job. It will be sad to no longer get the daily phone message updates from Stephanie that I was passing along to all of you and we unfortunately won't get to see a sneak preview of her Playboy photo shoot. But know that you fans out there are not alone. If there is one thing I learned from this fan club experiment it is that there are a lot of you out there and though many of you are kind of sick and perverted, most of you have a good heart and appreciate Stephanie for both her good looks AND her weather knowledge. So fans, keep the love alive and Stephanie, keep giving us the weather like nobody else can.

UPDATE 2: Just to clarify, this is all a joke. But if you would like to learn more about Ms. Abrams, The Palm Beach Post ran a great bio about her in September 2006. That contains more information about her than I could ever tell you.