The Festival of Shampoos

Once upon a time there was a boy with very little hair, but still enough that it required shampooing every day. Not much shampoo — just a dime-size or less drop of Pert Plus into his hand, then on his scalp, rinse and do not repeat.

The shampoo came from a green Pert Plus bottle (shampoo plus light conditioner, for fine or oily hair) that was always within reach, placed in the metal rack hung from his shower head. The bottle seemed to sit there forever, getting lighter as the weeks went by until one day the dime-size (or less) drop struggled to come out. Squeezing and shaking, the boy finally got enough to wash his hair. He placed the bottle upside down, back into the metal rack but made a note to pick up a new bottle of Pert Plus that evening (and realized then that it had been almost two years since he had last bought a bottle of shampoo).

With new bottle at the ready, the boy continued to use his upturned shampoo bottle. A surprising amount of shampoo collected near the cap thanks to the force of gravity, making it look as if the new bottle would not need to perform any washing duties for a few days, maybe even a week. "New bottle, we'll get to you eventually, don't you worry," the boy said reassuringly to the inanimate object.

And then the miracle of all miracles happened. The old standby, the shampoo bottle whose beginning days were now just a faint memory, refused to give up. Days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, which turned into a month and a few more days. Until finally, the bottle gave its all, sputtering out its last drop of bright green hair soap.

And so began Pert Plustival, the 34 day long celebration of a shampoo bottle that should have lasted just a week, but instead miraculously shampood freely for a full 30 + 4 days!

Festivities include

• The Laying of the Drops. Every morning, a drop of Pert Plus is placed along the edge of the bathroom tub for each day of Pert Plustival.
• Upturning of all plastic liquid-containing bottles. Turn upside down all of your plastic bottles in your household that contain liquids, just like the boy did with the Pert Plus bottle during The 34 Days.
• The Cutting of the Hair. All Pert Plustival participants must cut their hair very short so that only a dime-size (or less) drop of shampoo is necessary during the celebrations.

Plus, there are a lot of Pert Plus-related snacks and sporting activities.

Mark your calendars! The next Pert Plustival will begin October 13, 2008. Have your Pert Plus bottles and hair trimmers ready! Before you know it, The Festival of Shampoos will be upon us, once again.

Chinese Food and a Movie: The Jewish Christmas

Christmas time means one thing for Jews across the United States: Chinese food and a movie. This is our way of recognizing the birth of that guy - it's fun, it's tasty and although we might complain about the ever-rising price of movie tickets these days (oy), it's cheaper than all those damn gifts everyone is buying each other. So that's what we do. It's a tradition. Our tradition.

But there's a problem. You see, this is a Jewish tradition. We are an open and accepting people, don't get me wrong. But over the last few years I have seen a lot of non-Jews at both the movies and the Chinese food restaurants on Christmas. At first it was just the Indians and Asians and other various non-Christians. We are an accepting people, as I said above. So occassionally I'll catch a, "get a load of this guy" glance from a fellow Jew as an Indian family walks by to their dinner table, but that's about the extent of it. No one really cares, in fact, I think all Jews are glad that people are discovering that there are other things to do on December 25 besides participate in Christmas.

But you see, the problem is that now the Christians are catching on. After weeks of celebrating their "12 days" and bombarding us with Christmas trees and Christmas carols and Christmas decorations and Christmas cookies (actually, keep the Christmas cookies coming. I've got some Chanukah gelt I could trade you...) these Christians want more. Apparently opening mounds of presents that Santa "brought" only takes a few hours. That leaves most of the day left to, well, eat Chinese food and watch a movie. And as a result, the theatres are packed and the restaurant wait times are getting longer.

And us Jews are getting pissed. We came up with our own thing just so we could stay out of your way. The plan was working fine for decades. Why the sudden change? Well, change it back. You stick to your presents and we'll stick to our Chinese food and a movie. Everyone will be happy. Please? Did I mention I have plenty of Chanukah gelt to offer you?