Unthankfulness

Yes, it's Thanksgiving time and we're all very thankful for things like friends and family and cute dogs and lollipops and Miller High Life 6-packs being so damn cheap. But I think during this time of year we should also declare the things we are unthankful for.

So here are 10 things I am NOT thankful for on this Thanksgiving:

1. Lee Greenwood
2. Everyone who thinks "God Bless the USA" is a great song. Actually, even if you just think it's an "okay" song, I'm still unthankful for you.
   Yes, I could combine numbers 1 and 2, but I am that unthankful for both that I felt they each deserved their own slot.
3. Really terrible toilet paper. It's called Charmin Ultra, people. Look it up. They ain't kiddin' about the "Ultra" part.
4. People who eat a meal for lunch like a Big Mac, a family size bag of Doritos and an entire box of Oreos (mmm, "double stuf." And no Google, I don't mean "double stuff!) but then wash it all down with a diet soda because they don't want the extra calories. Maybe I'm not unthankful for them, just confused, but they're going on this list anyway. Madame Pepperman, my 11th grade French teacher that was addicted to Diet Mountain Dew, I'm looking directly at you here.
5. The term "Double Stuf." Oreo, why did you leave an "F" off of "Stuf?" I'm not a parent, but if I were, I would hate to have to explain that one to my child. Shame on you, Oreo!
6. People who stand on the left side of the escalator in any DC Metro station. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! People that live in DC complain about this so much that it's almost cliché. But that is because this is common sense. And you're not all tourists! Some of you live in the DC Metro Area and still stand on the left. How do you not hear the rest of us complaining about this? We're annoying as fuck and we're whining about you! If you listen, we'll stop our whining.
7. Not only am I unthankful for the fake Krispy Kreme in Dupont Circle, but the Fractured Prune that opened up down the street has now closed. My mom has always told me that the doughnut Gods have a reason for everything, but this one has been really hard for me to deal with.
8. The color teal.
9. People who got angry with Ann Coulter for calling John Edwards a "faggot" but feel it's okay to attack his manhood by calling him a pansy. If these flowers could voice their outrage at the derogatory use of their name, there would be much more public outcry at this practice. Also, little known fact: John Edwards is a 3-time Ultimate Fighting champion. "Pansy" or "faggot?" Maybe. Could he kick your ass in a no holds barred fight to the death? Most definitely.
10. Those push button sinks in my office building bathroom. We are all adults in this building. There is a number combination on the door to keep out all the bathroom roaming ne'er-do-wells. Are you really that concerned about the tenants of the building running wild with the sinks that you have to keep us limited to about 5 seconds per push? It's impossible to wash your hands properly with these things. And not only is it unsanitary, but it's un-American. Yeah, I'm going there; if we are forced to wash our hands in 5 seconds or less, the terrorists have already won!

Are you unthankful for something as well? Tell the world in the comments!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Where is the help for New Orleans?

For a moment (just a moment) I'm going to take a break from the humor and in collaboration with some friends, have a little brain storming session in the hopes to actually make a difference.

Why can't the government or the Red Cross figure out some reasonable ideas to help New Orleans get their citizens to higher ground? Why is Houston — over 350 miles away and a 6 hour bus trip one way — thought of as the only salvation? Why are people still stranded in the Superdome, on rooftops, in hotels? Where is the plan to get these people out of there?

So we have come up with some ideas. Maybe they are reasonable ideas. Maybe they are impossible ideas. Maybe making a list of ideas is pointless. I don't know. But these are actual ideas, which seem to be in short supply at the moment.

Who knows. Maybe we'll pass these ideas on to the right person and someone will listen to us. Or maybe we'll just vent our frustrations. Either way, we'll feel better.

So here goes

• TRAINS
  Can we get these people to a train station in a city near New Orleans? Trains seem like the quickest and most efficient way to get hundreds of people out of the city at once. Take them to Houston (if you must) or anywhere outside of New Orleans. But just get them to some trains and get them out of the damn city.
  
  
• BUSES
  School buses. Greyhound buses. Army buses. BUSES of any shape and color. Where are they?
  
  
• SCHOOLS
  Shut down schools in Louisiana for a week, a month, whatever it takes and bus the New Orleans citizens to these schools for shelter. HOUSTON IS FULL. People are being turned away at the door. I know it's not ideal to close schools but neither is having an entire city engulfed in water with more people dying every minute. Doesn't the Governor of Louisiana have some authority in a situation like this?
  
  
• COLLEGE CAMPUSES
  Lecture Halls, arenas, gymnasiums, dorm rooms. We need a place to send these thousands of people from New Orleans. Again, not convenient but it's doable. Did I mention that Houston is full?
• The Governor could ask (or demand) every city in Louisiana (that's still standing) to take 100 or 200 citizens for a few weeks. Tell them they are responsible for feeding and housing them. Each town has a library, town hall, school or YMCA that could house individuals for a time being.
  
  
• BOATS
  It's sounds silly but we need boats. People are stranded on roof tops, in hotels, in attics, in hospitals. We need all kinds of boats: big boats, small boats, row boats. Just like the buses, it doesn't matter what kind. It floats? Then it's a boat. Get out the communication out that we need boats. Have those boat owners report to a specific location with their boat and we'll go from there.
• Place a lead boat in a neighborhood and then drop 10 inflatable rafts into that area. The lead boat could then lead the 10 rafts to higher ground.
  
  
• COMMUNICATION
  Chaos has taken over New Orleans. You know why? Because even if there are things being done to save people, no one in the middle of it all knows about the help. Drop flyers, get people with bull horns, send smoke signals, do some kind of sky writing; it doesn't matter. If word gets out that help is on the way and people actually see it, calm will follow.
  
  
• OVERPASSES
  Let's utilize these overpasses for dry land. Land large military helicopters on the overpasses to pick up and take people to another location where there is actual food and clean water.
  
  
• NOT HOUSTON
  I just got off the phone with Houston. They're closed. "No mas." Besides, it's a 6 hour drive. SIX HOURS! Is that really the closest location?

If you have any ideas, post them in the comments and we'll pop 'em up on the main list. Seriously, even if no one reads this, you do feel a bit better after getting all this out. Try it yourself.

Santorum, a Definition

santorum (san·TOR·um) n.

1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

This word was made possible by Savage Love and Rick Santorum's comments on homosexuality.